There’s this stereotypical character in many movies/books (mostly in those that’re written/made for preteens), who is perpetually unhappy with his/her lot (usually her, somehow). I’m speaking of the kind who are convinced (or self-servingly try to convince the world?) that they are always doomed to failure. And when the plot unravels, it seems they never do.
The results of the first of my exams came out this morning. For the last two weeks, I have been boring everyone to death (at least in my head my listeners are mostly waiting for an opportunity to flee) with elaborate details of what exactly went wrong at the exam. And even though this was done with perfect sincerity, i still feel like a devious son-of-a-bitch because I’ve done much better than I’d’ve thought possible, and so apparently all I said about it were actually koncham inaccurate.
The crux is this: I would’ve been slightly envious of any other person who’d done as well as this (there’s still a little voice in my head that I’d really like to suppress, that’s going “oh but what’s the big deal exactly). while now that it’s me, I’m desperately seeking loopholes: reasons why it won’t work out the way that people are telling me it will, convincing arguments about why so many other people are so much better off. These are playing in my head intermittently, and totally drowning out the fact that I’d’ve been totally overjoyed if my name was all the way at the bottom of the list, just yesterday.. I don’t know if this means that I’m just naturally cautious, a pessimist, or someone who’s desperately seeking appreciation. I wish I knew.
option b on why i'm not happy enough is that this is a deviation from the master plan i'd made for myself, tho in a completely unexpected direction: i was supposed to be cracking exams in february, and this was meant to be an "exam to do well on so that i'm on track by then". am i such a fool that this sort of thing throws me? or is this merely a need to always look at the other option and wonder if that's better than this? if i live all my life thinking that, am i not looking to be a scrooge and a dissatisifed lout?
ps: i'm beginning to wonder if this blog is working out to be more a shashi tharoor blog than a ramachandra guha blog. in that while both tend to specialise in information that's exsoteric in the extreme, guha tends to speak of things outseide himself. while tharoor has only one thing to talk about, and that's himself. everything he speaks of (even obama's presidential election, come to thnk of it) he manages to subvert so that the universe is properly centred around himself, and all else is extraneous. and while blogs (and guha) are by nature self0indulgent, they do mostly manage sometimes to make the blogger only a participant/observer, not the be-all-end-all.
i guess that's why everyone can't be tamizhpenn.
